The Evil that Lies in the Heart of This Man.

I will admit, to no small degree, that I have a boatload of issues.

I think on of the worst, is my desire to fight.

For a number of reasons, I feel the stupid, base, primal need to get into a fight. And I probably will this weekend. Why? Well, because I'm a man and I don't know how to process my rage/anger well. if its any consolation, I will probably pick a fight with someone bigger than me, or someone who is a bigger dick than I am. How will I know this? If they look like they belong on the show Tool Academy, I will start something with them. Mainly because guys like that are easy to bait into fights, and for the most part cannot fight.

I know there is going to be pretty dense irony of someone who has a douchebag attitude (me) fighting someone who looks like a douchebag. On top of that, I have a fauxhawk, that pretty much pigeonholes me into the douche taxonomy. I will however, not wear any clothing by Christian Audigier.

So, if you are out there in Chicagoland Area, and you are hearing too much hair product, pop your collar, wear Ed Hardy or spend alot of time at John Barleycorn, I'm going to pick a fight with you. I'd be the big Asian guy with a fauxhawk and a limp. Yes, even one legged with knee/muscle damage, I am on a mission to fight someone. Anyone.

Updates,

So, its been a while since I've updated my blog.

Went to the wedding, which turned out great. It was nice to see my entire family there, and it was nicer to see my grandmother so happy to see all of her children and grandchildren in one place.

Wedding was held in San Francisco, at the Westin St. Francis in Union Square. The venue was very, very nice. I shudder to think at how much this wedding cost. But, ideally, you're only going to get married once, so might as well do it in style right? Ceremony and reception were both on the 32nd floor. The view was spectacular. SF was, unusually hot that weekend. I didn't expect that. It was kind of annoying, SF being hotter than Chicago at the time. Then again, Chicago has had a pretty mild summer, so I shouldn't be complaining.

Overall impressions of the groom, is that: Man, he sure is an earnest guy. Its hard not to like him to be honest. Admittedly, from my perspective, I thought he was high on something, but it was his wedding day. He ended up almost being a bit of a groomzilla, but once, again, wedding day. But you know, that sort of caring, attention to detail, wanting to make everyone is happy and content, will more than likely make him a good husband. I'm happy to have him in the family.

I think the thing I was most happy about was reconnecting with some of my cousins. Especially my cousin Charlie. There is a history there, lets just say when we were both younger, we were dicks. Surprise, surprise. So I met Charlie and his wife, Mana. Both were very, very cool. it wa snice because they are both really Americanized, while my other cousins, are more fobby. I dunno, with my other cousins, I feel like, I have to be more of a big brother type. Charlie is older, which is probably why I don't feel that way, but we had similar backgrounds growing up. Its kinda nice to think there is someone out there who knows what it was like to grow up an only child around no Koreans in the boonies.

Other things:

I met a girl. I dunno how keen she is on me talking about her in this blog. So I won't.

Now the onus of marriage is on me. This sucks.

I still do jiujitsu, but recent illness and injury has kept me out of it for a couple weeks. Boo.

And I forgot to bring lunch again.

You would think at age 33, I would have learned a little something about women.

Nope. Not at all.

I guess everything is a learning experience, and relationships are just a longer one. A lifelong one? I hav eno idea, I look at my parents and wonder how they managed, despite my teenaged punk-assed-ness. On the other hand, I know people who's parents divorced while they were in college or after.

Anticipating another wedding, this time my cousin. I suppose what makes it special is that one entire side of my family will be there. I suppose the other special thing is that we are all of legal drinking age. And since its a wedding, I am imagining lots of drinking. It'll be good. Its also going to be nice to see my grandma again. Probably for the last time ever. I will have to learn to cherish it.

Thinking about relationships, I guess I'm only now just aware of how hard it is to maintain one. I've never actually thought about it before. I think I've been a fairly laissez-faire kind of person. Which I understand just doesn't fly when it comes to relationships sometimes. But I guess anything that is worth having is worth the effort that goes into it. I'll have to remember that next time I'm in a relationship.

Incidentally, "Pictures of You" by The Cure is playing in the background. Its funny that song, I was first introduced to it by the first girl I fell in love with. Which was....10 years ago? Crazy. I actually have a vague idea of what she is up to and what she looks like now. I know she's divorced, but I do hope she's happy. Relationship wise, I never made it to marriage. I suppose that's a good thing. Am I happy? I have no idea. I think happiness comes in bursts and small packages.

I do think I will be happy to see my family though. Even cousin Charlie.

Was a good weekend. Recorded a podcast on Saturday morning. I guess this is the new podcast time. WTF. Oh well, I guess I should be happy, since I am in a different time zone.

Suit came in, which was nice, having it altered and it should be ready a couple weeks prior to the wedding. I'm pondering taking it for a test run, but honestly, I have no idea where I can wear it. I suppose I could be overdressed guy somewhere.

Have a date this weekend, which I am honestly looking forward too. I think sometimes I act ambivialent or depressed about it because, well, I don't feel crushed if it all goes awry.

So today, officially begin my MMA/P90X hyrbid experiment. I'll be going home, cranking out the P90X, then going to my MMA workouts. This week will be a little weird, because, today and tomorrow no MMA workout. This is mainly due to a tow injury from late last week. My to turned red and purple, pretty bad, but its subsuided now and just looks really purple. No black and yellow, so that's a good sign. I should probably cut back on jumping up and down and plyo actually.

- Behind the Music -

So, I was reading someone my wedding speech over the weekend. Little known fact, when doing research, there were an inordinate amount of suggestions that "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. I had never hear the song before, and even though I was a bit suspect of the title. So I decided to take a listen. It is a sweet song, about killing yourself if the love of your life dies.

I get the greater sentiment, but yeah...no wedding material. Even less so since there were no guyliner conversations prior to the wedding.

Recording another podcast tonight. Hopefully it should go rather smoothly.

I think the one thing I want to avoid is discussion about my dating life. Its just depressing if you think about it. Its beena successions of just plain non-starters. I think the initial atraction there is for both parties, then it just fizzles out, on both ends. I mean, I've had girls interested, but I haven't been after a while, and its gone both ways. So, I think this weird limbo is where I'm kind of in a rut/weird place.

Also, in some ways, I sort of feel like I missed an opportunity by passing up on sex that was readily available. On the other hand, I think all that Christianity I immersed myself into, appreciates the fact that I did. I suppose its less pressure that way, in that I wouldn't have to squeeze in all the freakiness at once, as opposed to spreading it out over the course of relationship. I know that's such a dumb rationalization. I just don't want to admit or accept the fact that at some point I grew a conscience or developed morals.

However, I think there will be enough stuff to talk about where we won't need to discuss my dating life.

In working out news. I've been dropping about 2 -3 lbs a week pretty regularily. I started doing jiujitsu and MMA regularily. I will admit though, it is wearing out my 33 year old body pretty fast. I think I may take a break tonight and just stay in. I do have to do laundry. But tomorrow, right back to jiujitsu. Whee. I dunno, maybe I'll go to Muay Thai tonight.

OK, let me explain something about the last podcast.

Only 2 people were available to podcast. And of those 2 people, one of them has a potty mouth and a predisposition to say things.

I swore alot and made gay jokes.

Here's the thing about me making gay jokes. I know its hurtful, I know that the language is harmful to the goals of the gay community. I love the gay community, I just wish the word 'gay' hadn't spent so much time in my lexicon. The stupid thing to say is to look at the words and not the intent. but, even the usage of the words is hurtful. I said it alot, I said it to make fun of friends, however, I should not have.

So I am contrite about that. But to be honest, I have no idea how else to apply alternate language, One joke for example, I said that Gerard Butler has appeared in 2 gay movies, 300 and The Ugly truth. 300 is gay because, well, the Spartans were gay/bi. Its historical record, and I live in a gay neighborhood, that movie was a hit here, based on Halloween and Pride costumes alone. I said The Ugly Truth was gay in a different definition o the word. Its the definition I really should stay away from. But if I didn't use the word "gay," things would not be as funny. Or maybe its just funny to homophones and retards who repeatedly use the word "gay" negatively.

I dunno what to do about that. However, I will stop using the world and find some other way to be humorous. Same goes for the word "retard."